Dating Sucks? 4 Ways You Can Change Your Dating Experience
” Dating Sucks” is a common phrase I hear in my clinical work. It requires a lot of time and effort, and it can often feel like a burden or an annoying task to get done. However, when you are ready for partnership, it is part of the process of getting there. In dating, many things are not in your control. The good news is that there are a few things that are in your control.
Here are 4 Tips for you if you’re feeling like dating sucks.
1. Be mindful of what you are accepting while you are dating
When you are dating, I encourage you to be very clear about what your dealbreakers are. These are very different than “preferences” or “annoyances” you see in the person. If you are unclear about these, you may begin to negotiate your dealbreakers. On the other hand, you may classify annoyances or preferences as deal breakers, prematurely leaving a promising situation. When you have personal clarity, you begin to shift what you accept in your dating experience. For example, if a lack of intention, incostency, or misaligned values is a deal breaker, take notice if you find yourself dating a person who is unsure of what they want with you, who comes in and out of your life, who reaches out when it is convenient for them, who doesn’t want anything serious. These behaviors are not an invitation for you to change their mind. This is not an invitation to play detective and find reasons why they ARE interested in you. Believe people when they tell you and show you what they are and are not willing to give in partnership. From there, you can take responsibility for what you’re allowing to happen and shift it if necessary. If you are tolerating misalignment and inconsistency, it may be difficult to find a partnership and a relationship. More importantly, you’re going to miss the opportunity to invite full-hearted love into your life. Dating sucks when you are accepting misalignment.
2. Learn when to let go
Once you have clarity on what your deal breakers are, the other important part of this equation is following through and taking action. This becomes the most difficult part for folks because they are having to do something difficult: terminating a misaligned relationship, despite their feelings for the person. If you are looking for a long-term commitment, and 10 months later you find yourself in the same “situationship” with your person, you might want to let them go. The longer you hold on to what is not for you, the more difficult it becomes for both of you to let go of each other to make space for a better match. People stay in expired situations because there is a benefit to it (companionship, friendship, sex, etc). But the longer you stay in an expired situation, the more painful it will be to let go in the future. When you learn to release within a healthy timeline, you also build self-trust. You learn that you are able to honor what your deal breakers are and take aligned action. Dating sucks when you stay in the wrong situation.
3. Be mindful of how you build your foundation when you are dating
How are you building your foundation? Is it purely physical and sexual, or are you slowing down, learning their inner being as they learn yours? Be mindful of how sex can impact your attachment to someone who does not want commitment (ladies, especially you)! And here’s why: A study carried out by psychology professor Jim Pfaus at Concordia University found that there is an “overlap between sexual desire and emotional love in the brain’s insular cortex.” Is this love or is this lust? Women also release larger levels of oxytocin than men, which is also known as the “cuddle hormone”, thus making it more common for women to get more attached post-sex. I am aware that this does not apply to every woman, but if this is you, take notice of how this is impacting your dating life. Contrary to popular belief, love is not unconditional. When you are dating, people are earning your trust through consistency, honesty, and shared values/intentions.
4. Practice being the partner you want to attract
Do you want a patient, confident, and loving partner? Well, are YOU a patient, confident, and loving person? How can you enhance in yourself the attributes that you are looking for in a partner? A great way to practice this is by allowing yourself to show up and practice these qualities in your current relationships. Can you practice patience with your family members? Are you able to practice confidence at work? Can your self-love practice expand in partnership?
“Dating Sucks” does not have to be your mantra or personal experience. May these dating tips allow you to feel more in control in a world where there is much out of your control. May these dating tips support a joyful dating experience for you so you can find the healthy and loving relationship that you deserve.
Written by Licensed Clinical Therapist, Diana Tavares, LCSW.
If this post spoke to you and you are ready to shift the way you date, therapy might be the next step. Let’s explore how we can work together—book a free consultation here.
